Dra. Margarita Holmes

Dear Dr Holmes:

Not everyone will understand the feeling behind my thoughts, so I don’t share it with anyone. Stigma is everywhere.

Four years ago, we went to a hospital with my dying grandfather. He wasn’t ready yet, everyone knew that. His life depended on
oxygen, which needed pumping from time to time. He was admitted in a public hospital, so it lacked equipment. On his second night, I was told to stay overnight at hospital. Boastful, I didn’t even listen to the nurse about what-to-do or what not.

I eventually got lost pumping, my arm and whole body felt numb.

I thought the result wouldn’t be that bad. I stopped, then returned, stopped, then returned.

Later that night, he had an attack, I could see his body shaking. My screaming woke up my cousin; he called the nurse but it was too late.

My grandfather died because of me. It was so hard. Everything did not sink in that early, I was guilty but I thought, everything is okay. Then my brother told me straight up “You are the reason of his dying” He said many more things I don’t remember.

It was traumatic and tragic. I mean, would you want to be the reason of your love ones to die?

It’s been four years; I’m still here. Still stuck with the fact that yep, I killed him. Unintentionally but still irresponsibly.

Since then, I tried killing myself by overdosing with different kind of medicine and sleeping pills I’ve got.Sometimes I can’t sleep for three days straight. It’s so hard. I don’t know how to get back my sanity and my old self. I can no longer cry.

It gets harder each passing day. Time doesn’t heal these wounds.

I’m still blaming myself. Please help me.